The Truth

I feel tempted. I really do. I feel tempted to lie and say that there is no feeling of restlessness gnawing away at me, day after day. Because this is something that is hard for me to confess, even to myself: I am not content. Don't get me wrong; my life and people who surround me make me immensely happy and I would not want things any other way. It's just this feeling that, even when I am cradling a baby in one arm and spoon feeding another, I am simply not doing enough. My mind is perpetually racing. 

Why do I feel this way? 

A couple of days ago I had almost given up, consumed by ennui. If my 18 month old asked me to draw her something, I would simply shoo her away. I was almost on the brink of tears because I couldn't believe that this was all my life currently contained: juggling babies and hoping to get the chance to check facebook about once a day. Then I saw this: 

"Take benefit of five before five: [1] your youth before your old age, [2] your health before your sickness, [3] your wealth before your poverty, [4]your free-time before your preoccupation, and [5] your life before your death.” -Hadith

And in a flash, I realized what the problem was. I had wasted free time. And now, the value of the time I had wasted was whacking me in the face. When I was expecting my daughter I had just graduated from my bachelors, I lived with my in laws and essentially I had nothing to do all day. At that time, I told myself I deserved a break and thoroughly enjoyed a pampered pregnancy. It was like a summer vacation from all intellectual exercises! But I had forgotten that there always comes a time when you wish you could just go back to school. 

So what did I decide? After two days of crying over spilt milk (literally and figuratively!) I came to another realization. When you are young, time and energy abound. So right now, I could feed babies, cook, clean, do the groceries and the necessary socializing despite sleepless nights and I would still have the energy to pick up a paintbrush. I had a chance to make the most of my health and my youth and I could not waste another one of these precious things. 

So what will I do? I have a dream. And, I have an action plan. The dream, like all dreams, is vast and murky and utopic. The action plan is a more realistic route to achieving that dream. And this blog? This blog will be my motivation. Here  I will pen my journey. The depressing times and the blissful moments. The times when I feel on top of the world, in control, and the times I feel like giving up. The thankful times and the times I feel that every choice I ever made was a mistake. The everythings and the nothings. 

So as I embark on this almost-quest, I confess that a little support would be really welcome. If you would be at all interested in the meanderings of an accidental mommy follow me, and I will keep you updated. 

Peace.